but power does not equal happiness.
I have nothing to show for the last two and a half years I’ve invested. I’m stuck in a sick love triangle where I know I am being used and I do nothing about it. I talk about my independence, but I can’t even go longer than a few days without you. I say how I think I’ve always been “too good for you.” Yet, I always run back. You know me better than I’d like you too. No matter what happens you always seem to make me feel as if “this time things will be different.” “This time he will be there in the morning.” But you never change, you always find a new way to disappoint me. Not just that you always make me feel like it’s my fault. I’ve never been good enough, pretty enough, funny enough… I’m never going to be your dream girl. Not matter how hard I try I can’t measure up to what you deserve. I don’t know if I’m really not a good person, if I don’t deserve you, or if simply said I’ve never had you. I wish I knew that I actually meant something to you. Everyday I try and tell myself that I mean to you what you’ve meant to me. That you cherish me the way which I cherish you. That you at least want me the way I want you. But I can only convince myself of those things for so long. I know you’ve apologized for the things you’ve done, but you keep doing it. Every talk, text, lunch, movie, or whatever we have only cuts deeper and deeper. Every time you tell me that what we had was real for you, you give me false hope. You know how to make me feel as if you actually give a shit but yet turn around and act as if I am a nobody. You tell me that my lifestyle isn’t real and that I was never the “type” of girl who would go out and party, get drunk, and have random hook ups. You tell me that my persona isn’t real. I don’t understand where you get that. I don’t know what real is anymore. For all I’ve ever know, you and I was the most real thing I’ve ever experienced. You made me feel as if soul mates were real. You have always been my happy ending. I go to sleep every night alone not because I have no other option, but because no one can give me the insane out of this world, can’t eat, can’t sleep, love does exist feeling but you. I don’t know what I have to do to get you back. I know that nobody feels the way I do about you. I go so crazy over you, You meant everything to me and now I’m just the girl whose there once your girlfriend goes to sleep. The girl you use, the girl who lets herself. The girl who falls in love all alone. The girl who will never be happy. I hate you for so many reasons. I’ve spent a year trying to move on, and all I’ve done is stand still. I don’t know what you get out of this. I don’t know why you keep doing this. Mostly I don’t know why I keep letting you back in. All I’ve ever been to you is a needy, pathetic, obsessed girl. I’ve never meant anything to you, and you have become my everything. I don’t wish this upon you. I love you so much that I’d rather keep hurting myself before anything can ever hurt you. I just want to stop wanting you. I just want to say that I’ve moved on. I want to advance in some way shape or form. I don’t want to spend a lifetime watching you be happy. I’ve never been selfish with you, I’ve always put myself after you. You are the only one. You drive me so insane that this has to be something real. I can’t be so miserable and get nothing out of it. Life shouldn’t be this heartbreaking.
